Thursday, March 31, 2005


I am no longer confused inside, but happy. I think it's only natural to experience an emotional drop after something like that. However, my brain chemicals have sorted themselves out and I'm back to my usual self.

Ceroc last night was really brilliant. I seemed to have more repeat dances than usual, and I danced with lots of my favourites (Rob, Dr James, Little Chris, Ian, Tom, Big John and, of course, my fiance). It was so nice to have Robyn there too. She thinks that my fiance is worth sacrificing a potential race of pixies for. I think I'm inclined to agree, although I was quite fond of the pixy initiative. Oh! And Ian liked the sword cocktail sticks :D

I received 3 really lovely emails recently. One from 'Auntie' Jo, one from Kieran and one from Melissa. I've only replied to one of the three so far because I want to actually write something decent back and I don't have the time or energy at the moment to be even vaguely eloquent. If you can be 'eloquent' in text.. 'loquens' is Latin for 'speaking' I think. But nevermind, I'm sure it's been corrupted enough to use to describe written prose..

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

R & J ~ dreaming again

For the last year or so, whenever I've been troubled in life, I get the same dream. I dream that Romeo & Juliet is being performed again and that I'm due on stage (usually in an hour or so) and that I've forgotten the lines.

I had this dream again last night, for possibly the 8th or 9th time. In the dream I could only remember:

Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband?
Ah poor my Lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name
When I thy three hours' wife hath mangled it?
But wherefore villain didst thou kill my cousin?
That villain cousin would have killed my husband!
Back foolish tears! Back to your native springs!
Your tributary drops belong to woe
Which you mistaking offer up to joy
My husband lives that Tybalt would have slain
And Tybalt's dead that would have slain my husband
All this is comfort - wherefore weep I then?
One word there was, worser than Tybalt's death
That murdured me - I would forget it fain
But oh how it presses to my memory!
Like damned guilty deeds to sinners' minds!

And then I could remember no more. I wasn't on stage I was just practicing. But I was also worried that I could no longer remember my costume changes or my entrances or exits.

Romeo & Juliet was a success - I didn't screw up. I don't understand why it continues to haunt me. But it only does when I'm worried about something else. Like before my Cambridge interview, my exam results, or when I argued badly with Will last year.

Right now I'm very confused inside, and not at liberty to say why. It was always something I'd seen as an improbable fantasy, or a jokey idea. And then suddenly it was a reality. And now it's a memory. I should feel guilt but I don't. I was elated but now even that has passed. I feel like I have taken a drug that I'll never get the chance to take again. And the funny thing is, I don't know whether I'm relieved, upset, happy, or just frustrated.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Easter's here!

Woo hoo! It's over! I did it! 40 long days of Lent. It had some wonderfully unexpected results.. Hush now. 'Tis a secret! Posted by Hello

Ella's Party

Much fun, had a lovely night (picture evidence below).

I arrived a bit early (as promised) to help set up - get food / drink / no entry signs sorted.

The others came in bit at a time which was nice as you could speak to each person as they arrived. Jen, Kate and I had a dance earlier on, and at the end of the evening me and Claire danced some Ceroc (me leading) until she crashed us in a manic hug onto a sofa. Soap managed to make the word 'sofa' have three syllables at one stage of the evening.

Random quotes:

'You tried to slit my throat with a pringle'
'There's death on my leg' (now, I wonder who could have said that.. DEATH!)
'That dog can't bark now that I've eaten its head'
'There's blood all over your floor'

I, along with Gar-i of M11 Music fame, helped mop some of it up (Sarah landed slightly harder than usual and hit her head on the way down, triggering an impressive nose bleed).

Claire, Soap and I went back to Dave's after and celebrated the first hour of his 18th birthday!

(Sarah's photos can be found here:'s%20party/ )

Ella's rules were simple: bring alcohol, look pretty. I tried! I even plaited my hair & wore MATCHING jewellery :P Posted by Hello

What a lovely lot we are. To the left you can see Sarah at a stage when she still had the ability to walk. Posted by Hello

This photo sums up my memories of this evening ;) All fun, happy and somewhat blurred! Posted by Hello

Ella looking radiant :) Posted by Hello

Friday, March 25, 2005

I had forgotten..

..quite how attractive Dave is. I spent most of this evening chatting to him - one of the few people with whom the topic of conversation can switch happily from the everyday to the realms of Physics and then to drama, philosophy or sex with ease. I can't even remember now when I first met him, it must have been years ago. I can't remember why he's so good to me, or done me so many favours.

He has the sharp shrewd look to him. Dark flicky hair, very dark almost narrow eyes and strong harsh eyebrows. And an eyebrow piercing, one of the few people who carries it off. He has the look of a person you don't want to get on the wrong side of. He looks like he'd carry a flick knife (he doesn't). He clinched Juliet for me last year and has looked out for me on several occasions since.

Also caught up with Jack. I wonder if he realises I still think of him as Falstaff. I wonder if he's gay.. I have a feeling he might be. He bit Snozz's nipple and he looked everso lustful when his mouth was hovering about Dave's neck. *shrug*

Mmm... talking of gay, I have to agree with Soap... Anthony Blunt is sooo 'do-able'. Fantastically understated, and so sly. And Sam West looks so much better with a bit more weight to him. I find men who are a little overweight quite attractive oddly enough. Perhaps because they look cuddly?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Spring Concert

I was rescued from my serious / moody / sad phase on Monday night, and ended up chatting online until gone 3am. Very foolish. But fortunately I had double Biology first thing on Tuesday morning which meant I could pretty much switch off. I missed Jess though!

The Spring Concert on Tuesday was vaguely depressing and I've decided it's the last one I'll take part in. Once upon a time I was lead saxophonist for Concert Band and Jazz band, I sang in Chamber choir and played clarinet in Orchestra.. But since Mr B left and school music has fallen down I have been less willing to dedicate my time. Last night I played in orchestra only, and the likes of Jeremy took sax solos*. It's not just me, all decent year 13 players have dropped out - or rather, we've been forced out by a wealth of untalented beginners. Of course you need to include the learners! Of course they must be trained up! But, as Mussolini learned when he opened up the Fascist Party to everyone, all the hardline fascists left. They were diluted to the point that what they believed in was lost! Now, I don't mean to compare the Head of Music to a Fascist dictator... but you can see the parallel I'm drawing.

*my sister's boyfriend also took a solo, and he was everso good (but then he lives with my sax teacher so he damn well should be good!)

Jess says:
Spin says:
Spin says:
Spin says:
it's kinda funny
Jess says:
Jess says:
you're not going to tell him? :D
Spin says:
nah :)
Spin says:
as you said, he's a big boy, he can cope
Jess says:
this is true ;)

Jess is generally wonderful. Someone who I can just be open with, without feeling the need to keep things back. Perhaps because we share a lot of the same quirks and kinks. Perhaps because we're going to be friends for a very long time.. especially if we both make our offers.

Wow! Goo Goo Dolls - Here is gone! Totally forgot about this track until 30 seconds ago! It makes me think about Robyn! :D :D :D

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

My fiance and I had a really lovely dance tonight.. He even told Ian about it :) Posted by Hello
Dancing depressed me slightly tonight, though I think I’d have come away feeling a lot better if it hadn’t been for that last track. It was quite a serious moody heavy song, and I was dancing with Tom who can be quite serious and moody too, so now I’m feeling all serious and moody, and slightly sad. Scratch slightly, I’m crying. But that’s just the music I’m listening to.. why does it effect me so strongly?

Music can make me cry, or have to jump around manically, or shake all over.

Though I think actually that might just be me being odd. I was filing some MSD stuff the day before yesterday and flicked past the Cambridge letter. I saw the QUEENS’ COLLEGE red stamp across the envelope. I froze and I felt my jaw set and my eyebrows make the little frown they make around once or twice everyday now. Then I shuddered all over and cried for about 30 seconds. Then I stopped and put the file away and carried on working, feeling a bit stupid. I think it’s just the stress levels atm.

My report came through today: 100% attendance, AAA predicted, AAA performance. And the comments made were good too. It’s beyond a doubt the best report I’ve ever had. Dad was pleased.

Guh… concert tomorrow. But a half day!


Dad: I met him once you know.. you know who he is?
Helen: Ooh! Is he that person?
Dad: Which person?
Helen: That person at the place?
Dad: Which place?
Helen: The place with the people!

Time to stop typing. 5 days. I think it’s hurt my heart. Never mind, it was hurting anyway.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Audley End

Sunset at the marshy field (unedited) Posted by Hello

I went walking (just to make a change) and took my camera with me. It's just a snap happy digital really, for having fun with and helping others to glimpse some of my memories.

I find the rhythm of walking helps me to think. I feel so sorry for people who mock poetry and who don't have a romantic side to them. And I feel sorry for people who don't enjoy their own company - these people definitely exist - I know because they've described to me how they feel. It's just how I feel sorry for people who are uncomfortable about being naked even when they're on their own, like in the bath or changing.

When I was walking the sky was so beautiful I got caught up in the happiness of it all. When I get a build up of happiness I've found I can make the feeling escalate by running! So my walks are often punctuated by brief bursts of jogging, skipping or sprinting. I saw 15 toads on my way back - it's mating season.

Trees near the stream crossing (unedited) Posted by Hello

Claire's Spies

Claire being her usual happy manic flailing self.. :P Posted by Hello

Claire and I stayed at Soap's last night. We drank Pimms and Schnapps and got wonderfully tipsy. I was knackered due to being up till 2:30am two nights running but a well chosen film got my attention back (*grin* nothing like 3 cute men jumping into the Cam to get your attention.. it was like Mr Darcy all over again, without the shirt.. *drool*).

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

My First Time.. a demo went ok. My spins were more than a little dodgy (it's harder on the stage surface, it's harder doing them slowly - no momentum! and it's harder with a whole room full of people watching.. especially Tom who makes me nervous anyway!) but no one seemed to notice, and if they did they were kind enough to lie about it to me :D

Ian liked the Thank You card me and Claire sent him! We rule. He's so much fun to dance with! Although I did feel that if one move had lasted a second longer he would have dislocated my arm/finger/head.

Ooh, my fiance went to a style workshop thingy and he knows all these fancy new moves that I can't do properly yet - but I will master them! And he gave me a proper hug today, so it looks like it's just Soap who's still having issues with my dependence on cuddles and the like. *grin* but it's all down to her trust issues. Hum, I wish I could bounce over and give Tom a hug sometimes to make him smile. But I know he'd just make his startled-rabbit-face and shove me hastily away, and I have enough humiliation in life anyway without going to look for it.

And oh dear.. I'm arguing with Phil and it's really upsetting me. I just told him how I feel about all his smoking and skipping school. I told him to "get back on track". I hate msn, so hard to tell what people are thinking and feeling. But I really don't think he's listening - he doesn't want to hear it. I told him on the train to London how, out of everyone and everything, he is what has put me off drugs more than anything else. Matt glorified them for me, the school's propaganda tried to scare me away from them, and another friend helped me explore them in the safest way possible (for which he has earned a special place in my heart). But now, no more.. and even as I type that I can feel the hesitation in my fingers.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Ian's Dinner Party

So yeh, this guy "Ian" decided to have a "dinner party". The "food" was lovely. Inappropriate speech marks are so much "fun".. ;) Posted by Hello

..lots of laughing! (and pointing, and pisstaking, but hey, no ones perfect). Posted by Hello

..and dancing.. always dancing! Posted by Hello

Torrs' Party Night

Jack peers down from on top of the bus shelter.. Phil & James look happy-stoned :) I was thinking about biscuits.. now with orange! Posted by Hello

Torrs rules. But then, we already knew that. And I got to wear my funky new trousers. Posted by Hello

Seriously though, to begin with it was all rather scary as I didn't know anyone :( And they all knew eachother! But then I grabbed a random guy (Duncan) and started making friends.. the last 2 hours were filled with manic dancing! And Demonic is a natural Cerocer - he should soo learn it!

I completely crashed when we got back to Torrs'. I went out like a light.. but I woke up in Torrs' lovely soft double bed with her giving me a cup of tea! You can't get a much better start to the day I can assure you!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Guess who's been tying me up again..  Posted by Hello

Claire's 18th

Sudden random cake & tea party at mine.. Woo! Claire's 18! (And so's Ella!) Posted by Hello

We managed it :D We created the cake to end all cakes! Until me and Claire have to make one for Soap... Posted by Hello

Monday, March 07, 2005

Feeling blue..

And it's because of a number of things. So, rant time!

First off those stupid cartoon strips. Why did I ever draw them? Why is Enthusiastic Guy such a motor-mouth? Why did he have to tell Kate? I love Kate, I think she's brilliant. I mean really really brilliant. I don't mean sexually, not like the way I (very) occasionally like some women, not like that at all. She's more the sort of person I'd like to be like. Though I think I'd need to be a bit bouncier...

Which is another thing that's really getting me down - my age. I hate being made to feel that being 18 is pathetic. Which is how it does feel. I like being 18, I want to be left to enjoy it without the constant reminders of "this will look dodgy because of your age" "well I would but you're too young" "it's not that long until you can join in" ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Next. Why does everyone assume I'm going to make these grades in June?? I've got a very good idea of where I stand. I know that if I screw up one paper and I'm as little as 1 mark below an A it will be enough for me to miss my offer. People saying "Of course you'll manage it" whilst flattering, just piles the pressure on.

Well, that's calmed me a little. Even though I have avoided writing about the thing which is actually annoying / upsetting / frustrating me.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Soap gave in..

..and ate a hell of a lot of chocolate. So she failed her Lent, which was giving up chocolate. I've very much stretched the rules of my Lent.

Speaking of which, I discovered (ok, didn't discover, Tom showed me) a really cool place called Clowns, in Cambs, which can provide cake and coffee at much needed times, like 11 at night after Ceroc.

Think I need sleep.