Scotland, once more

Here we go, a vaguely uplifting entry to try and cleanse myself of the last batch of shameful self pity. I have now worked out the main reason behind my rather ridiculous down and although I can't make it go away, I know what it is and I know that it's just a matter of time before my body sorts itself out again :) Sometimes not understanding something is the worst part. Thanks so much to everyone who has been so lovely over the last month of this, it means the world to me - those who have an idea, and those who don't but care all the same





Dad, Dave and Marilyn... messing about in the rain.

Helen and Em watching the bonfire. I love this photo. Oh, can you tell that it was architects who built that fire? 

Cute little witch. She came out with some hilarious things actually. Get this joke:

Why did the banana go to the doctor?.................
.............. because it wasn't peeling very well! 

I never want to carve another pumpkin for as long as I live. Well, okay, overstatement, I might be persuaded otherwise at some stage. 

A day of tension & revelation

You're up there, and you're walking on clouds, reality will fall,
You think you're safe, but I'm one of your angels, and you're not safe at all.

I feel a little like the world is collapsing around me.
8 minutes
The tension this morning was almost unbearable, and I must have been running on adrenaline. Half a coffee and I was visibly shaking.
still 8 minutes
Mark got in at 10 but shut himself in his office. We tried to do the SELDITOFMS
9 minutes
but it was hard to focus on anything but the clock hand moving slowly towards half eleven. When the time came they all left for the meeting and Jonny and I waited in silence until we were sure we were alone.
10 minutes
Then in hushed voices we spoke nervously and I brought him up to date. Jen joined us from the other writeup, and then Alex too.
11 minutes
They returned after about half an hour and spoke openly about what had been said - Mark is leaving, which means curtains for AD and us too.
12 minutes
Robotics was little better and they all listened while I told them the news. A large green MSD poster has been put up. It reads "Merck - where patients come first" but someone has inserted "and employees" after the "patients" and "mmm!" on the end.
13 minutes
I got to the train station at 4:20. The 4:21 service never showed up, and the 4:33 didn't arrive until 4:35. This meant that I missed the bus too, and had to wait half an hour for one.
15 minutes
I went to dance as always, and although in my mind I can remember enjoying most of it, looking back now it just makes me sad.
16 minutes
And now I know why **** is so cold towards me, and I guess they're right, but there's nothing I can do about it. It's not even something I can apologise for - because if I could go back and remake the decisions, I'd do it all again. Repeatedly.
18 minutes
I have no regrets, I'm just lonely. I pine for one close friend
19 minutes
who I've been searching for and longing for
still 19 minutes
for about 5 years
still 19 minutes
and I didn't think of it back then
20 minutes, this is stupid
but perhaps what I'm searching for
still 20 minutes
is what people call
meh, 20 minutes, I don't know if I want it to be more or less
a soulmate.

Out we go & my birthday

Laura, Kim and Rebecca looking gorgeous

All us MSD students went out for a pay day meal! Harlow Tandoori was far better than I expected - and the free wine and popadoms were good too!

I went back with Nerea and Alex after work to get ready. We were soon joined by Kim but alas no Jen as she and Jonny had to work late :( Of course being girls we took ages and arrived to the restaurant late, but nevermind.

I loved chatting to the people on my table, it was great to get to know them better. I learnt a lot of hilarious drinking games including the "fuck game", the "fuzzy duck game" and the "bomber". I look forward to the next time I have a group of friends and a bottle or two of spirits. When I went to leave (wanted to get back so I could wake up at home on my birthday) Jen flung her arms about me in the middle of the 2 tables and stopped me leaving to make everyone sing me happy birthday! It was lovely if a little embarassing.

My birthday has been fantastic - I've had a brilliant day. Lots of people offering me chocolate and cake, and a card signed by both of my lab families! Also texts / calls / emails / cards from (almost) everyone I love - more so than in any other year, which has been hugely flattering. My day was made I think by a text from Will, or possibly by both his parents insisting on hugging and kissing me :D

Thanks to all my wonderful friends and colleagues for making my day so special. *hugs*