Thursday, October 13, 2005

A day of tension & revelation

You're up there, and you're walking on clouds, reality will fall,
You think you're safe, but I'm one of your angels, and you're not safe at all.

I feel a little like the world is collapsing around me.
8 minutes
The tension this morning was almost unbearable, and I must have been running on adrenaline. Half a coffee and I was visibly shaking.
still 8 minutes
Mark got in at 10 but shut himself in his office. We tried to do the SELDITOFMS
9 minutes
but it was hard to focus on anything but the clock hand moving slowly towards half eleven. When the time came they all left for the meeting and Jonny and I waited in silence until we were sure we were alone.
10 minutes
Then in hushed voices we spoke nervously and I brought him up to date. Jen joined us from the other writeup, and then Alex too.
11 minutes
They returned after about half an hour and spoke openly about what had been said - Mark is leaving, which means curtains for AD and us too.
12 minutes
Robotics was little better and they all listened while I told them the news. A large green MSD poster has been put up. It reads "Merck - where patients come first" but someone has inserted "and employees" after the "patients" and "mmm!" on the end.
13 minutes
I got to the train station at 4:20. The 4:21 service never showed up, and the 4:33 didn't arrive until 4:35. This meant that I missed the bus too, and had to wait half an hour for one.
15 minutes
I went to dance as always, and although in my mind I can remember enjoying most of it, looking back now it just makes me sad.
16 minutes
And now I know why **** is so cold towards me, and I guess they're right, but there's nothing I can do about it. It's not even something I can apologise for - because if I could go back and remake the decisions, I'd do it all again. Repeatedly.
18 minutes
I have no regrets, I'm just lonely. I pine for one close friend
19 minutes
who I've been searching for and longing for
still 19 minutes
for about 5 years
still 19 minutes
and I didn't think of it back then
20 minutes, this is stupid
but perhaps what I'm searching for
still 20 minutes
is what people call
meh, 20 minutes, I don't know if I want it to be more or less
a soulmate.


Anonymous -J- said...

Awwwwww! I'll be your soulmate!!!

9:38 pm  
Blogger Mrs James said...

It sounds like **** is not a very nice person and you're probably better off without them. But don't let it get to you - sometimes people's reactions are out of all proportion to events. It just takes a bit of time to adjust, that's all.

10:28 am  
Blogger spin said...

Thank you..

7:37 pm  
Anonymous waf said...

Hullo teggles. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so great. Was wodering if I could have your address - just drop it to me on msn sometime =)


(also if you are around Friday 25th November I will be out that evening in SW, I'd like to see you)

12:48 am  

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