Thursday, July 21, 2005

Phil & Jess at our picnic in Audley End Posted by Picasa

This last week has been amazing in every sense of the word. I have felt pushed to my boundaries and the extremes of my senses and I have loved it. The exact details of all the things I have been up to I will skip, because they are all the more special for being kept privately in my head. But they have changed me subtly, and not in a bad way.

My attachment and love of certain friends has strengthend and it has been wonderful to experience how much they care about me. In at least one of these cases I feel that the friend's love for me is also more solid than it was. I feel protected and cared for and for the first time in about a year I let myself think openly about my inner lonliness, my insecurities and the more artificial parts of my life. Sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world to be honest with yourself.

I still miss Will. In late October or early November last year he told me that our friendship wouldn't recover without me doing something, and I did what he requested. I wouldn't ask that of him because I know he's very busy and happy.. but I don't think it will ever go back to being as it was, and I'm aware that's partly my fault. It makes me sad but I feel I'm growing away from him. I miss the feeling of being able to call in at his and being welcome. Hilariously I also really miss his Mum - having spent ages being scared of her I grew to really like her and now I never get to see her :(

This has been a rambly entry but I wanted to get these things off my chest before I go away tomorrow.


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