Wednesday, April 13, 2005

A few thoughts

The other night my thoughts were flowing so quickly that I couldn't hold on to any one of them for more than a few moments before frustration drove it out. To distract from the mayhem in my head I put some music on - Idlewild, as I'm seeing them next week. It was their new album that Claire's Dave gave me. Then out of the midst of the muddle a lyric struck out and I listened to the track again and again just to hear and re-hear that lyric:

If I was born the same day that you died
Should that make me try
I was born the same day that you died
Should that make me feel more alive

Anyway, that idea really got to me. I've always thought myself lucky to have my parents and my sister. And thought I was priveledged to live in so wealthy a place, never to have been hungry etc etc. But I'd never really thought about timing! Not properly!

On a geological timescale my life is ridiculously short. Which means the Earth is spinning on its axis really fast.. but that's a different line of thoughts, gah! digression!

But anyway, it just made me think about how lucky I am to have been born when I was. I mean - even a year later and things which have happened could never have happened. It's human nature to want more of a good thing, but it's worth remembering how lucky we are to have the friends we have, and to have had the experiences with them that we have.

I was reading something I wrote about Him (the capital is for the sakes of those 'inners' who so faithfully read my other journal for all those years) when I was 15:

"If I'm ever lucky enough to find myself lying naked in His arms again, I shall not question His lies, but accept them as a reality"

I spoke to 'Him' the other night. I haven't seen him (I'm stopping that stupid capitalisation now, no idea why I started it, I think it was a vague attempt to show how much I worshipped him - give me a break - I was 15) for approaching a year now. When we had that fight. And before then it had been a six month gap. He said he was lonely and sad. I told him I was there if he needed a chat. "Yeh I was thinking about that the other day - you always did care"

Matt once told me that regret was the silliest of all emotions, because there was nothing you could do to change the past. I loved his logic. He had a very calm way of looking at life.


Post a Comment

<< Home